“You don’t have to be great to start. But you have to start to be great.”

I am sitting at dm on the bench at the shop window and have the feeling that everything is growing over my head. The tears are rolling and I wonder if I'm just unlucky, is it coincidence, bad karma or all together? Or none of it? I don't know. And I'll probably never find out. But let's start with what happened.

On Friday I learned that the trains once again don't run the one line that I have to travel several times every week, because of construction work. Yes, I know you don't expect anything else from the German trains, but I depend on them. The first thing I could think of, how do I get to therapy next week? The second thing that followed: How am I supposed to do an interview tonight in my current emotional state, which I have just been assured that there is no fixed interview partner. That day, everything went wrong that could go wrong. When I arrived at the station, where I noticed that the following line was closed, I called my boyfriend who was fortunately able to pick me up. I wanted to take the train to meet him so he wouldn't have to go any further. Yes, and then three times you can guess, I read myself out of all the stress and got into the wrong train, which led to him having to drive even further.

What was added on that day was abdominal pain and a feeling of fear in my body, which seemed to completely overwhelm me. Yeah, and in the end, I canceled that interview. It felt like I was completely failing. But do I really have it, or is it just the monster in my soul again?

For a long time, I was afraid again. Fear of not being good enough, fear of failing, fear of everything that's coming, fear of how people around me might find me. It all started at the beginning of the week. I am now aware of the trigger, but still the thoughts do not go away. Every time I talk to someone, I'm afraid to say something wrong. Fear results in stress. Or stress results in fear. I still don't quite understand the order. All the tasks on my to-do list, even if they are not many, completely overwhelm me and occupy me completely. It feels like being in a prison of your own fears and thoughts. A vortex of tasks that I want to live up to and still avoid. Because once again there is the unbelievably burdensome lack of motivation that transforms me from an absolutely determined person who sinks into a complete tuxedo.

For all those who think I'm at home buffaloing and learning like a madman. That is not the case at all. That's where my problem starts. I have to learn in my head, I want to learn and I'm sitting at my desk. But instead of studying, I fall asleep on the chair from sheer powerlessness and in the end I have not achieved anything I actually intended.

I know what would do me good. But I'm not doing it because I know it won't allow me to tick off a single item on my todo list. It would only make me feel worse because I didn't do anything.

Yesterday, I took this time out anyway. I put a meditation on YouTube. It used to help me, maybe even now, I thought. In fact, it caused me to fall asleep. I fell asleep because I was so tired from all the pressure. The pressure I'm actually putting on myself. And after that, the lack of motivation was suddenly lost. I put the first letter on the paper of my assignment and all of a sudden I was writing and writing and I had a final result with which I was even completely satisfied.

When I was writing, I really realized how much it burdens me to plan things. I do not mean fixed dates, because they are necessary. When I get scared, it creates stress or vice versa, whatever. But when I'm exposed to unspeakable stress (which I put on myself), it's a self-help mechanism to plan everything down to the smallest detail. Then all of a sudden I start to set a precise time with minutes and seconds hands, when I do this and when I do something else. In itself, that doesn't even sound so wrong. My problem is (always has been) that I don't plan breaks, meal times, time for myself or time with friends. And if I don't plan any of this, but it happens anyway, I feel bad. Because I “wasted” my time. Which I obviously don't have in reality.

Yeah, and when I think about what I did the rest of the year when I was doing so well, I never think of anything. By writing it down, I just realized that I am much better off being spontaneous and living in the day. On a Wednesday afternoon, I also want to be able to say that I go to a café with friends after university and do not go home just to study again. I'll just study tomorrow. Or learn less. Because the end result does not have to be perfect. It's enough to move on. And I can do that. Even if these thoughts have to go back into my head for once. Sometimes my thoughts feel like ill-mannered children. They never listen to me and just run away in a direction I can't control. And when I lose control of what I'm thinking, it feels like I've lost everything.

Perhaps we should remember more often a time when we were better and then ask ourselves: What did I do differently then?

Two quotes that fit my situation very well at the moment:

“You don’t have to be great to start. But you have to start to be great.”

“There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.”