The monster in my soul

Sometimes I wonder if what I’m feeling right now is part of my illness or my normal development. Or if it’s just normal.

In fact, in the last six months, I have developed into what I would say is a relatively self-confident personality. I didn’t care what other people thought. I had my own opinion and have consistently defended it. Despite the blemishes that I have, like everyone else, I felt completely comfortable.

At parties I met new people; more than ever before in my life. I was alone on vacation, facing many of my fears. For the past six months, I’ve done almost everything to face the monster inside me. I showed him that I couldn’t be taken down, that I could be different. For the longest time in my life, since this monster has existed in my soul, I’ve been fine. I was so sure I beat it. And yet I was afraid. Afraid it’ll come back.

Yeah, and then the day came and the monster in me reappeared. It takes over my body and takes away all my strength. From now on. Totally unprepared. I’m putting all my strength together to regain more freedom.

But unfortunately, I don’t stand a chance. Because I know the only thing that can help me now as the monster gets bigger and bigger is professional help. I need someone to work with me to figure out why this all came out of nowhere. Who analyzes everything completely with me. Well, unfortunately, I’m out there, as are many others out there. My therapist, who was supposed to officially start therapy in November, did not have an appointment any more. At the first therapy session, he was sick. For me, that means I have to fight my own way through this. Sure, I have family, friends and my boyfriend. But they can’t do more than listen and hug me. Don’t get me wrong, this alone helped me to relieve myself for a short moment. But there was no one there who could disassemble and analyze my psyche with me. Because that’s exactly what I need.

From that moment on, the monster inside my soul is growing day by day. Now I’m sitting here. It’s already November and since the beginning of September I feel the way I do. In other words, feeling is actually the wrong way to express it. Because I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel anything. Except for tiredness. All day I could do was sleep. I don’t have the strength or motivation to do anything productive. My body feels absolutely empty. And cold.

It’s been two weeks since my university started. Something I’ve been looking forward to all my life. However, I can’t enjoy it the way I imagined it. Because I don’t feel the way I really am right now. I feel like a stranger in my own body who has switched roles with my “normal” personality. I don’t dare to talk to people anymore, something I did until recently with the left. Due to the constant tiredness that occupies me, I can no longer really celebrate, dance, have fun, have a good time. Everything is so hard for me right now. These are actually my favorite things to do. Right now it’s my favorite occupation to sleep. And dreaming that one morning I’d wake up and everything’s back to the way it was. Well, unfortunately, life is reality and not a movie. So I’m going to keep trying to fight it. Which I just noticed is that it’s actually misrepresented. Because this disease is not curable or hardly curable and can always come out of nowhere. So I should learn to deal with it rather than fight it.

If you’re feeling the same, I hope I was able to give you a little bit of reality. You’re not alone. And even though everything seems so endless, I’m sure there will be better times.

I give you a lot of strength and love to get you out of this phase quickly. Let’s be proud of ourselves because we made it this far and are still fighting instead of giving up. We’ve sort of mastered everything in life so far, so we’re gonna make it here.