And who am I actually?

Comparison, perfectionism, self-worth, self-love, achievement, being good enough and self-reflection. Many of these terms have been on my mind for the last few days - maybe even months. I've listened to many podcasts about it, watched many videos and documentaries and, like many others perhaps, found myself in many situations. The questions of whether I am good enough, whether I am sufficient as a human being, come up again and again. To remind myself again and again that I am enough, I have even tattooed the phrase "I'm enough" on my arm.

I often ask myself, where does this come from and why do I perceive myself this way? Because actually there is no reason - at least that's what I think. My family, my colleagues and also my friends so often try to convince me of the opposite of what I think.

Maybe it's also because of society? Everything is geared towards our performance. From an early age we are taught that a "1" is a "very good" grade and a "6" is a very bad grade. And then? Even though I have studied so much and prepared for that one class assignment or exam, I still write a bad grade. But who decides that this grade is bad?! You put all your effort into it. Then of course you feel bad. I feel bad. Because everything I did wasn't enough. But actually you - no, I should be proud of myself. Proud because I've learned so much and done everything I can. But I'm not. And why? Because I put myself down, feel bad and question myself. My self-worth and the thought of being worthy of myself goes down.

The biggest problem in my opinion? I compare myself to others. The biggest mistake you can make, but it all tempts you, doesn't it? The social networks, the grades at school, ... I always want to go faster, further, higher. To be better than one or the other. In the process, I forget and lose myself. Because I compare myself and at the same time try to help others, to be there for others.

I am afraid.

Yes, of what actually?

I don't know right now, at this moment. But that's okay and not bad. Because that's why I'm here - in a psychosomatic clinic. With lots of people who think and feel like me. Who have similar problems.

As another patient said to me so beautifully yesterday: "This is not fun, it's hard work". That's when I realised and internalised that I'm not failing and losing because I sought help. Rather, I am brave to tackle the struggle with myself with the help of others.

If you also find yourself in this text and are afraid to seek help, I say to you, "Do it! It will help you immensely. But remember: Don't give up or doubt yourself if it doesn't work the first time. That's normal and sometimes it just takes several attempts. But hey, that's normal. I believe in you!

February, 2022

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